One of the major components of BDSM relationships is that of consensual dominance and submission (D/s), also sometimes called “erotic power exchange.” For religious liberals and other progressives, the idea of someone submitting to their partner – even calling their partner “Master” or “Mistress” and referring to themselves as that person’s “slave” – seems fundamentally wrong. Why would anyone demean and degrade themselves by giving up their personal power to another?
First, D/s relationships are consensual and negotiated. The partners come together as equals, and the “power exchange” that occurs is both voluntary and conditional. Many in the Scene actually speak of the “gift of submission,” and frequently debate the full meaning and implication of that phrase (including the question of whether there is a corresponding “gift of dominance”). The power exchange of a D/s relationship can best be seen as a trust; one person bestows power on another on condition that such power will be used to beneficial ends, and not abused in any way. If the dominant does abuse her or his power in any way, or otherwise cannot uphold their end, the submissive retains the right to walk away from the relationship.
Second, not all D/s relationships are the same. Some are restricted to sexual activities, some are nonsexual and service oriented, others go further, and only a handful aspire to the “ideal” of lifestyle or 24/7 role-play (as sometimes called “total power exchange” or TPE). Even lifestyle D/s partners do not always live out their fantasy roles “twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week,” but engage in a fluid shifting of vanilla and BDSM personae and behaviors.
Nor are all D/s relationships “Master/Mistress” and “slave,” either in intensity of commitment or preferred mode of role-play. Some engage in animal play, where one partner assumes an animal persona, and the other may be a “trainer” or owner; others prefer age play with “littles” taking on a child persona, and “bigs” that of a parent, teacher, governess, etc.
Third, D/s relationships have their own complexity and mutuality. Beneath the archetypal fantasy roles, they are rooted in the very real emotional needs and desires of the individuals involved. Submissives take great pride in how they “serve” their dominants, who in turn are proud to see their submissive partners demonstrate their growth and strength. And if it is laudable for a person to give themselves over to a cause or vocation, then why not to an intimate relationship?
Leather & Grace 